"Don't tell me not to live just sit and putta. Life's candy and the sun's a bowl of butta. Don't bring around the cloud to rain on my parade."

So my next few posts are going to be entirely about food. I'm on a cooking binge. It's my new personal therapy and I think it might be working. I love creating things. If I was a psychiatrist and I had to diagnose myself, I'd probably tell me that I have an extreme God complex and I am so okay with that. This is probably why I've spent more than 5 hours (in one sitting) playing the Sims and then finding ways to kill the Sims or ruin their lives through means of pregnancy and electrocution. On that note, if any of you feel so inclined to buy me 'Sims 3', I wouldn't complain.

So my first installment of my cooking frenzy is the evolutionary chain of cakes that has occured over the last two months:

The first- Made from a store bought mix. The frosting was also store bought. What can I say? I was young, I was naive. But it was a little bit lovely.

The Second- Also store bought. I didn't even take a picture of the final product because I somehow managed to make a monster out of something that started out so beautiful. And these blue swirls didn't even show once everything was said and done. Oi, what a shanda! (Said in the most Jewish mother voice I can muster.)

The Third- My masterpiece! The first cake I've ever made entirely from scratch. Even the frosting! And it tasted like real cake. I cannot believe the power of flour and eggs.

There is only one piece of this magnificent creation left. It may have to go rotten, I can't stand to destroy such art. Okay, okay, I'm done being lofty and above you. Now everyone go make a cake and tell me all about it.

"I could so go for like a huge cookie right now, with like, a lamb kabob simultaneously."

OH GAWD! I used to be so opposed to using the word 'Gawd', but it is completely necessary for this occasion. I just got back from Target yet again and I got to see the Rodarte collection. Gawd, it was so beautiful: floral rain coats, nude tulle dresses, lace leopard dresses with big bows down the back, and the most beautiful sheer purple tulle tops with big neck bows that are to die for. I am in love with everything about that collection.

I will eventually buy everything I can when it all goes on sale. That will be a grand day.

So Long Kido

I guess I'm a little behind the times, but I just found out this morning that Brittany Murphy had passed away at 32 years old. I'm not sure what to say or do, but I feel like life is a tad bleak right now, and I wish people didn't have to die. I'll miss Brittany Murphy very much. I wish she could've lived a longer life. Farewell Brittany.

Filo? Filo!

I am fascinated by filo dough. I'm being completely serious. It's the dough used when making the Greek pastry Baklava (which I might add is delicious as eff). I'm obsessed. I was watching Bobby Flay's cooking show on Food Network a couple weeks ago, and they showed this one bakery in Hell's Kitchen; apparently this is the only bakery in the United States that still makes there filo dough by hand. The process of making this dough is insane! I can't even explain it. I've included this weird video with a Scottish narrator that shows the process of creating the dough. The amazing part begins at about 1 minute and 30 seconds into the video. This part is called 'opening the pastry'.

I'm ridiculous, I know, but these are the things I love.

I googled 'bitch quotes' and this is what I got: “Sure, the lion is king of the jungle but airdrop him into Antarctica, & he's just a penguin's bitch"

LIFE IS GOOD.

I just finished all finals. It's truly lovely. Today I had a final in my 'Theatrical Movement & Mime' class. My group had to perform last and my stomach just about fell out of my butt. I was so incredibly nervous all day long. But our group went, we were moderately funny after I screamed "Filthy Whore!" in the middle of our scene, and all is right in the world. I'm very excited for Christmas even though myself and everyone I know is currently a broke ass mother fucker. So on the 25th I'll probably spend the day opening packages of homemade cookies, socks, old shoes, and cards that say 'It's the thought that counts, and at least I thought about buying you an 8GB IPod. Right?' I'm more okay with this scenario than I should be. So for now I'm writing and drinking tea and apparently receiving an A for the semester in Dramatic Writing! Yeah BITCHES! Okay, so it's not that big of a deal, but I was happy as all get out when I saw that 96% staring back at me.

Oh, I also convinced someone to give me a piggy-back ride after class today. It was grand. And he was male, so props to me.

This entry has had no real theme, but I'm considering going to sleep at a reasonable hour tonight, so for now I'll just say "Good night folks".

Good gracious, Ass is bodacious

I went Christmas shopping today and while I was in Borders I started talking to their general manager. I asked him if they had 'Pygmy' by Chuck Palahniuk (which I've yet to read), and this guy lit up like... a Christmas tree? Screw. I was trying to come up with some super clever comparison to how a prostitute would light up after winning a life time supply of condoms. The words aren't here. He was more than moderately happy to meet another Chuck fan. There. Anyway, we talked about books for like half an hour and he recommended that I read Tom Robbins ('Even Cowgirls get the Blues', 'Still Life with Woodpecker'). This guy,whose name escapes me, but it was something along the lines of Ale...An.... something Italian sounding and uncommon, told me he had lived in Portland Oregon for quite some time, where I was born, and that he had met Chuck Palahniuk several times and even has a Chuck poster that was personally autographed. For those of you that don't know, Chuck Palahniuk is a fantastic edgy writer who has made such contributions as 'Invisible Monsters', 'Choke', and 'Fight Club'. General manager guy told me that one time he wrote to Chuck and in return was personally sent a box filled with various Chuck-esque things including dismembered Barbie dolls. Really rad guy, and after talking to him I'll never run out of things to read.

Now that I'm back on my Chuck obsession, I've also stumbled across his official fan site ChuckPalahniuk.net. It's a fantastic site that's directly involved with the author and it's free to sign up.

"God help the Mister who comes between me and my sister. Gold help the sister who comes between me and my man."

It's that time of the year! And I'm feelin' it. I went to a darling little sweet shop downtown earlier and had the biggest piece of 'Death by Chocolate' cake ever!

Such a charming little shop that felt like Christmas condensed.

Even earlier today I went to Eureka to buy a pair of black pantyhose. Upon checking out, I noticed that the somewhat matronly 30-ish woman in front of me in line was buying the following:

1. A white bra

2. A Barbie Doll

3. A red neglige

4. A bottle of Carbernet Sauvignon Wine

It came to a total of $103. Holy holy.

Auld Lang Syne

I've been thinking recently about my New Years resolution, and I think I've come up with a real winner combination:

1.) I will record everything I eat (not in a "I have a gym membership that I use and I think adding up calories and saturated fats is a good way to spend my free time" kind of way) but rather a daily entry in my blog that will hopefully always include pictures and humorous stories about food. Maybe if you guys know what I'm consuming, I'll stop being such a fat depressed whore. I kid, I kid.

2.) I vow to read every single Charles Mee play ever written, and honey, there are a shit ton (45 to be exact). I've already read 9 I believe, but I have a hefty amount of crazy esoteric wonderfulness to still get through.

Let me know what your New Year's Resolutions are. Get a job, start your own rodeo, acquire obesity?

"you don't know how much you love your children until they're gone."

Time for another shout out to one of the many things that I love and adore. The photo above is a scene from Charles Mee's Paradise Park. I was so amazed to find pictures from the actual play I got to see in New York two years ago. I was in this room with this very stage before me, these actors breathing the same air as I, less than 50 feet away. I'm totally geeking out, but that's what theater does to me. Especially Charles Mee's plays.

Also, I recently found out that in my garbage dump of a situation, ie. being stuck at Humboldt State for another semester, I will now be able to see Hotel Cassiopeia again (a Charles Mee play focused on the artist Joseph Cornell). Maybe they'll hold student auditions?? Yuh yuh.

So Paradise Park was the most amazing, crazy, spectacular, adjective, adjective, adjective play I've ever seen and I feel that I need to share an excerpt from it with the world:

The Prom Dress

[Nancy is standing in the middle of an RV campground
wearing her prom dress.]

NANCY
I think, really, if I could just get a job
that would be in some way useful,
like, for example, if I worked for a fan magazine
say an entertainment magazine
about movie stars and soap opera actors
and it made a profit of, say, $400 million a year
and gave maybe $80 million of that to charity
I would think: this is a useful life to live
whereas the way it is I think I'm a completely useless person.

I'm not the sort of person who blurts things out.

In fact, just the opposite
so much so that
when I went to the emergency room
because I thought I was having a heart attack
the doctor said you're just panicking
from stress
and you could have a stress heart attack
if you don't just let things out a little more and relax.
Sometimes I think nothing is chance
everything is fate
and then other times I think everything is chance.
I wish I'd have been more, I don't know,
stable.
Which I haven't so much been.
And I could have settled down and taken care of Darling
and it wouldn't have seemed
as it seems to me now
that my life has just gone by like a stampede
and left me in the dust.
And then when we were going through the Grand Canyon
and this little boy was vomiting pizza on Morton's feet
which just freaked Morton out
so he stood up in the boat
we all went into the water
I don't know what happened to the little boy
as far as I know he never got back up again to the surface
But partly I was glad I'd lost you Morton.
I mean, I hoped in a way that you hadn't drowned,
but I used to be in love with a man
who didn't love me as much as I loved him
and now I don't love you as much as you love me
and even though I can't bear to leave you
because I know how much that hurts
still, I wasn't hoping you would exactly drown
but, Jesus, Morton,
like everyone else,
sometimes I wish my husband were dead.
And Darling
we took her to see Cats 23 times
and we took her to see Phantom of the Opera 17 times
but even so
you don't know how much you love your children until they're gone.

........................

Lipstick Stained Mugs and Mis-matching Socks

Okay, so right now I'm watching 'Bewitched'. Not the neat-o, vintage, "I'm so cool for watching this" one from the 60's, but the new bastardized one that I absolutely adore. It even stares Will Ferrel, and even though every fiber of my being tells me that I should hate him, I can't get enough of his pig like whining, and his fat sweaty stomach which, I might add, is covered in what may be classified as chest hair but looks like a... a uh.... there is nothing to liken it to.

P.s.- Jason Schwartzman and Steve Carell are both in this movie. Can the three of us please get married?

So on a less creepy note, I've been in Eureka for the last few hours. I spent like 2 hours in PetCo. This particular store had a bird room that was basically a sound proof glass box in the middle of the store. I went inside of it and felt more relaxed than I have in months. It was amazing. I watched one bird for about 20 minutes straight. He was desperately trying to get to this little hanging perch in the middle of the cage and no matter what he did he couldn't get there. It was devastating. Then I got bored and looked at the turtles for like 2 minutes (I'm pretty sure one was dead, but I'm hoping against it). Then I saw 3 mice trying to run on a wheel all at the same time. It was terrifying but thrilling. Then I went to Pier 1 Imports and there were lots of lovely things and kitchen gadgets shaped like various animals.

It's been a wonderful day.

You see what I'm saying? Let me know what you think that 'chest dressing' looks like.