"Don't tell me not to live just sit and putta. Life's candy and the sun's a bowl of butta. Don't bring around the cloud to rain on my parade."

So my next few posts are going to be entirely about food. I'm on a cooking binge. It's my new personal therapy and I think it might be working. I love creating things. If I was a psychiatrist and I had to diagnose myself, I'd probably tell me that I have an extreme God complex and I am so okay with that. This is probably why I've spent more than 5 hours (in one sitting) playing the Sims and then finding ways to kill the Sims or ruin their lives through means of pregnancy and electrocution. On that note, if any of you feel so inclined to buy me 'Sims 3', I wouldn't complain.

So my first installment of my cooking frenzy is the evolutionary chain of cakes that has occured over the last two months:

The first- Made from a store bought mix. The frosting was also store bought. What can I say? I was young, I was naive. But it was a little bit lovely.

The Second- Also store bought. I didn't even take a picture of the final product because I somehow managed to make a monster out of something that started out so beautiful. And these blue swirls didn't even show once everything was said and done. Oi, what a shanda! (Said in the most Jewish mother voice I can muster.)

The Third- My masterpiece! The first cake I've ever made entirely from scratch. Even the frosting! And it tasted like real cake. I cannot believe the power of flour and eggs.

There is only one piece of this magnificent creation left. It may have to go rotten, I can't stand to destroy such art. Okay, okay, I'm done being lofty and above you. Now everyone go make a cake and tell me all about it.

"I could so go for like a huge cookie right now, with like, a lamb kabob simultaneously."

OH GAWD! I used to be so opposed to using the word 'Gawd', but it is completely necessary for this occasion. I just got back from Target yet again and I got to see the Rodarte collection. Gawd, it was so beautiful: floral rain coats, nude tulle dresses, lace leopard dresses with big bows down the back, and the most beautiful sheer purple tulle tops with big neck bows that are to die for. I am in love with everything about that collection.

I will eventually buy everything I can when it all goes on sale. That will be a grand day.

So Long Kido

I guess I'm a little behind the times, but I just found out this morning that Brittany Murphy had passed away at 32 years old. I'm not sure what to say or do, but I feel like life is a tad bleak right now, and I wish people didn't have to die. I'll miss Brittany Murphy very much. I wish she could've lived a longer life. Farewell Brittany.

Filo? Filo!

I am fascinated by filo dough. I'm being completely serious. It's the dough used when making the Greek pastry Baklava (which I might add is delicious as eff). I'm obsessed. I was watching Bobby Flay's cooking show on Food Network a couple weeks ago, and they showed this one bakery in Hell's Kitchen; apparently this is the only bakery in the United States that still makes there filo dough by hand. The process of making this dough is insane! I can't even explain it. I've included this weird video with a Scottish narrator that shows the process of creating the dough. The amazing part begins at about 1 minute and 30 seconds into the video. This part is called 'opening the pastry'.

I'm ridiculous, I know, but these are the things I love.

I googled 'bitch quotes' and this is what I got: “Sure, the lion is king of the jungle but airdrop him into Antarctica, & he's just a penguin's bitch"

LIFE IS GOOD.

I just finished all finals. It's truly lovely. Today I had a final in my 'Theatrical Movement & Mime' class. My group had to perform last and my stomach just about fell out of my butt. I was so incredibly nervous all day long. But our group went, we were moderately funny after I screamed "Filthy Whore!" in the middle of our scene, and all is right in the world. I'm very excited for Christmas even though myself and everyone I know is currently a broke ass mother fucker. So on the 25th I'll probably spend the day opening packages of homemade cookies, socks, old shoes, and cards that say 'It's the thought that counts, and at least I thought about buying you an 8GB IPod. Right?' I'm more okay with this scenario than I should be. So for now I'm writing and drinking tea and apparently receiving an A for the semester in Dramatic Writing! Yeah BITCHES! Okay, so it's not that big of a deal, but I was happy as all get out when I saw that 96% staring back at me.

Oh, I also convinced someone to give me a piggy-back ride after class today. It was grand. And he was male, so props to me.

This entry has had no real theme, but I'm considering going to sleep at a reasonable hour tonight, so for now I'll just say "Good night folks".

Good gracious, Ass is bodacious

I went Christmas shopping today and while I was in Borders I started talking to their general manager. I asked him if they had 'Pygmy' by Chuck Palahniuk (which I've yet to read), and this guy lit up like... a Christmas tree? Screw. I was trying to come up with some super clever comparison to how a prostitute would light up after winning a life time supply of condoms. The words aren't here. He was more than moderately happy to meet another Chuck fan. There. Anyway, we talked about books for like half an hour and he recommended that I read Tom Robbins ('Even Cowgirls get the Blues', 'Still Life with Woodpecker'). This guy,whose name escapes me, but it was something along the lines of Ale...An.... something Italian sounding and uncommon, told me he had lived in Portland Oregon for quite some time, where I was born, and that he had met Chuck Palahniuk several times and even has a Chuck poster that was personally autographed. For those of you that don't know, Chuck Palahniuk is a fantastic edgy writer who has made such contributions as 'Invisible Monsters', 'Choke', and 'Fight Club'. General manager guy told me that one time he wrote to Chuck and in return was personally sent a box filled with various Chuck-esque things including dismembered Barbie dolls. Really rad guy, and after talking to him I'll never run out of things to read.

Now that I'm back on my Chuck obsession, I've also stumbled across his official fan site ChuckPalahniuk.net. It's a fantastic site that's directly involved with the author and it's free to sign up.

"God help the Mister who comes between me and my sister. Gold help the sister who comes between me and my man."

It's that time of the year! And I'm feelin' it. I went to a darling little sweet shop downtown earlier and had the biggest piece of 'Death by Chocolate' cake ever!

Such a charming little shop that felt like Christmas condensed.

Even earlier today I went to Eureka to buy a pair of black pantyhose. Upon checking out, I noticed that the somewhat matronly 30-ish woman in front of me in line was buying the following:

1. A white bra

2. A Barbie Doll

3. A red neglige

4. A bottle of Carbernet Sauvignon Wine

It came to a total of $103. Holy holy.

Auld Lang Syne

I've been thinking recently about my New Years resolution, and I think I've come up with a real winner combination:

1.) I will record everything I eat (not in a "I have a gym membership that I use and I think adding up calories and saturated fats is a good way to spend my free time" kind of way) but rather a daily entry in my blog that will hopefully always include pictures and humorous stories about food. Maybe if you guys know what I'm consuming, I'll stop being such a fat depressed whore. I kid, I kid.

2.) I vow to read every single Charles Mee play ever written, and honey, there are a shit ton (45 to be exact). I've already read 9 I believe, but I have a hefty amount of crazy esoteric wonderfulness to still get through.

Let me know what your New Year's Resolutions are. Get a job, start your own rodeo, acquire obesity?

"you don't know how much you love your children until they're gone."

Time for another shout out to one of the many things that I love and adore. The photo above is a scene from Charles Mee's Paradise Park. I was so amazed to find pictures from the actual play I got to see in New York two years ago. I was in this room with this very stage before me, these actors breathing the same air as I, less than 50 feet away. I'm totally geeking out, but that's what theater does to me. Especially Charles Mee's plays.

Also, I recently found out that in my garbage dump of a situation, ie. being stuck at Humboldt State for another semester, I will now be able to see Hotel Cassiopeia again (a Charles Mee play focused on the artist Joseph Cornell). Maybe they'll hold student auditions?? Yuh yuh.

So Paradise Park was the most amazing, crazy, spectacular, adjective, adjective, adjective play I've ever seen and I feel that I need to share an excerpt from it with the world:

The Prom Dress

[Nancy is standing in the middle of an RV campground
wearing her prom dress.]

NANCY
I think, really, if I could just get a job
that would be in some way useful,
like, for example, if I worked for a fan magazine
say an entertainment magazine
about movie stars and soap opera actors
and it made a profit of, say, $400 million a year
and gave maybe $80 million of that to charity
I would think: this is a useful life to live
whereas the way it is I think I'm a completely useless person.

I'm not the sort of person who blurts things out.

In fact, just the opposite
so much so that
when I went to the emergency room
because I thought I was having a heart attack
the doctor said you're just panicking
from stress
and you could have a stress heart attack
if you don't just let things out a little more and relax.
Sometimes I think nothing is chance
everything is fate
and then other times I think everything is chance.
I wish I'd have been more, I don't know,
stable.
Which I haven't so much been.
And I could have settled down and taken care of Darling
and it wouldn't have seemed
as it seems to me now
that my life has just gone by like a stampede
and left me in the dust.
And then when we were going through the Grand Canyon
and this little boy was vomiting pizza on Morton's feet
which just freaked Morton out
so he stood up in the boat
we all went into the water
I don't know what happened to the little boy
as far as I know he never got back up again to the surface
But partly I was glad I'd lost you Morton.
I mean, I hoped in a way that you hadn't drowned,
but I used to be in love with a man
who didn't love me as much as I loved him
and now I don't love you as much as you love me
and even though I can't bear to leave you
because I know how much that hurts
still, I wasn't hoping you would exactly drown
but, Jesus, Morton,
like everyone else,
sometimes I wish my husband were dead.
And Darling
we took her to see Cats 23 times
and we took her to see Phantom of the Opera 17 times
but even so
you don't know how much you love your children until they're gone.

........................

Lipstick Stained Mugs and Mis-matching Socks

Okay, so right now I'm watching 'Bewitched'. Not the neat-o, vintage, "I'm so cool for watching this" one from the 60's, but the new bastardized one that I absolutely adore. It even stares Will Ferrel, and even though every fiber of my being tells me that I should hate him, I can't get enough of his pig like whining, and his fat sweaty stomach which, I might add, is covered in what may be classified as chest hair but looks like a... a uh.... there is nothing to liken it to.

P.s.- Jason Schwartzman and Steve Carell are both in this movie. Can the three of us please get married?

So on a less creepy note, I've been in Eureka for the last few hours. I spent like 2 hours in PetCo. This particular store had a bird room that was basically a sound proof glass box in the middle of the store. I went inside of it and felt more relaxed than I have in months. It was amazing. I watched one bird for about 20 minutes straight. He was desperately trying to get to this little hanging perch in the middle of the cage and no matter what he did he couldn't get there. It was devastating. Then I got bored and looked at the turtles for like 2 minutes (I'm pretty sure one was dead, but I'm hoping against it). Then I saw 3 mice trying to run on a wheel all at the same time. It was terrifying but thrilling. Then I went to Pier 1 Imports and there were lots of lovely things and kitchen gadgets shaped like various animals.

It's been a wonderful day.

You see what I'm saying? Let me know what you think that 'chest dressing' looks like.

Duck Feet

So I found these yellow flats on sale for $3 at Rue 21 when I was in Flagstaff, AZ a few weeks back. I love them, I wear them like they're going out of style. I was at the mall in Eureka, CA and I found the same shoes, also on sale for $3. I bought them without hesitation. I might be going back for a third pair. These cheap yellow shoes are all I care about. I'm a woman obsessed.

A day late and a dollar short

More like 3 days late and 3 dollars short, but now I'm here to report on my Thanksgiving!

• The dinner table for 5 (My parents, my grandparents, and myself).

• The Turkey

• The jicama and mango salad that I made all by myself (recipe compliments of Sonny Anderson on Food Network).

Animals in and Around my House

Queeny

A large black woman in her past life. She was probably very good at making grits and most likely participated in a Baptist church choir.

Connie

Not my dog. Will sit there for hours without moving. Terrifying as shit. Was probably a bouncer or a fucking psycho in a past life.

Tommy

In a past life, this cat was definitely one of those white guys that enjoyed egg salad and scrubbed his toilet with a toothbrush religiously every day.

This is a picture of him mid sneeze.

Word of the Day

Bro

1. Friend; commonly used in greetings.

"What’s up bro?"
"I vouch for Todd, we've been bros since way back."

2. Traditionally white males who wear rugby shirts and baseball caps. They are most commonly found at college parties playing beerpong or holding red plastic cups waiting for chances to exclaim how "Awesome!" this party is or how "Wasted!" they are. Many "bro's" have spiked hair and frosted tips, and enjoy listening to Jack Johnson or Dave Matthews band while playing Xbox.

Related subjects:

Bro Hoe: A white girl who hangs out with "Bro's". These girls like to smoke weed, drink beer, be ignorant, and they DGAF (don't give a fuck.) Basically a bitch who thinks she's one of the guys because she rolls with his crew, but those guys only chill with her because she gives them head.

Bro Rape: When one bro rapes another bro. Internet Chat-rooms for bands like Dave Matthews, Jack Johnson, and Incubus have proven to be a hotbed for bro predators looking to pray on unsuspecting bros with phrases like "chill", or "dude let's just chill", or "hey bro, we're chillin'. Wanna get some beers and chill?"

Gazette

I always feel like I have so much I want to put in my blog, but when I actually sit down to write, I go... blank. So for now, a list:

1. I ate raviolis for breakfast.

2. I had a dream about me and two people I knew from high school (Andi and Janek), and we were trying to cook bacon, but we couldn't remember how to. We put some on a cookie sheet and put it in the oven, we put some in the microwave. We then found a copper baking pan that was covered in dried up something or other, and while we were trying to clean it my mother ran in and started screaming, "No! Don't use the copper! It's so hard to clean!" I have no idea what any of this means.

3. I am currently watching Rachel Ray. That woman uses her hands like crazy. Even when she's holding a bushel of parsley. She just said EVOO. I am content with life.

4. Two Words: Hedda Lettuce. This mother knows what she's doing. She also has a blog. "Mmm, yummy."Just go.

5. I cleaned my room. Event of the century.

6. I am obsessed with Mapquest. It amazes me that the internet can tell me exactly how long it will take, and how much it will cost to get to Baltimore Maryland from Arcata California. I waste the majority of my life planning fake road trips.

7. Paul Deen made a turduken. Strike me down Jesus. That woman is heaven sent, and very much like my grandmother... if my grandmother was Southern and crazy.

8. Later today, I will be coring a pineapple for the first time.

9. So I was looking for a picture of bacon to put in this post, and along the way I found one to many pictures of bacon bikinis. Google bacon, it's seriously the first result.

This is how I deal with the bums in Arcata

Still in my pajama's at 4pm and watching the European Music Awards

First, I'd like to thank Style Rookie once again for turning me onto Viktor & Rolf, without her I would have no clue as to where this dress came from.

So I was watching the '2009 MTV Europe Music Awards' and Katy Perry was hosting. She changed her outfit about 15 times, and at one point she sported this wonderfully bizarre dress by Viktor & Rolf:

Runway

Awards show- Katy Perry

Like Style Rookie, I wasn't incredibly fond of this collection, but this gown is truly glamorous and manages to successfully translate on and off the runway.

"What's wrong with you, you stupid Bitch?"

My current state of mind.

Music for the day

Hide and Seek- Imogen Heap

For Thomas

Obsesionado con cromo

I know. My title's in Spanish. I'm such an elitist pig. For the record I had to use an online translator to get that title. Dedication people, that's what it looks like.

So I've found another beautiful invention that you can download for free. Google Chrome. I downloaded it last night and I feel so incredibly chic I can't even stand it. When you download google chrome, it allows you to customize your browser with this huge list of layouts made by all these awesome people, ie: Vivienne Westwood, Oscar de la Renta, Pete Bjorn and John. The list goes on. So rad ass.

These are my favorites:

Todd Oldham

Charlotte Ronson

Ella Moss

So much fun. LOVE.

Epilepsy is Dancing

I was reading through the Charles Mee play 'Under Construction' just a few weeks ago when I came across a bit of stage direction that suggested the use of one of three different songs by Antony and the Johnsons. I had previously seen this play performed at the Galvin Playhouse in Phoenix Arizona. I couldn't remember this music for the life of me, so I researched the group. I now have a new love in my life: Antony Hegarty. His voice is not of this earth. I've included a couple of links to his music, please listen to at least one, they're entirely worth it.

Hope There's Someone
You are my Sister
Old Whore's Diet (w/ Rufus Wainwright)

Sweet Thuggin'

So I just got back from yet another trip to Flagstaff Arizona the night before last. I ended up spending far more time there than I expected to (which is, of course, a wonderful thing). I had a blast. I was able to see almost all of my friends. We had a get together at my friend Andi's apartment, we played 'Last Word', which I might add is the best game in the world, we watched Fight Club, we drank white wine, we went to In n' Out, we hung out at Denny's until 3 in the morning, we took midday naps. Best week ever.

To quote Cait "This dog was mean as shit", but luckily behind a car window.

My friend Cait bought this magazine for me because she is a beautiful human being (much like the man gracing this cover aka Wayne Coyne). LOVE.

The shin dig.Cait's grandma's house.
Jr and I= Straight up Gangsta thugs.And this weeks theme song was definetely a tie between:
Sweet Caroline- Neil Diamond

&

You and I- Ingrid Michaelson

Can't we all just love Lady Gaga?

Especially acoustic Lady Gaga? Please, indulge with me won't you?




and one more thing: Sugardaddy.com
Yes, finally a website that caters to girls that just want to screw for money.

Impromptu Poem of the Week!

Fights

Curls onto my fingers one by one and
fights. Keeps fighting for a push up into
the air above you better than you. The
girls show you the hair on the back their
necks, they show you why they fight.

Magnets

Tonight, while waiting for my ride, I found a warm building to rest in on campus. I think the building is some kind of Race/ Woman studies forum, there were signs that all over the place that said things like 'Stop The Hate, Tolerate', or 'You're Safe Here'. I don't know. But anyway, while I was waiting, I noticed that a lot of older people were gathering and going up the stairs to the same room (one was about 50 and wearing a Little Red Riding Hood costume, just to give you a visual. But she was actually pulling it off pretty well.) More and more people were showing up and I got a couple of looks like 'Why are you down here? Shouldn't you be up there?' I finally realized that this was an AA meeting (Alcoholics Anonymous). Mostly because I heard a girl say 'Hey, is this the AA meeting?' and a man cheerfully reply 'Sure is!'... not because I have amazing insight and can just figure these things out on a dime. I was so close to going upstairs and joining the meeting. I walked past the room once and saw refreshments and appetizers. Maybe next time, at least now I know when they meet.

[When I was walking around the building, I found a little inbox that had magnets on it, so I rearranged them.]

P.s. Go to Hulu. Watch Community, The Office, and 30 Rock. They all have Halloween episodes and they're all incredibly worth it.

Bonin'

OKAY. So I just discovered Tinypic and all of its wonderful splendor. I'm obsessed. They have everything I love and cherish.
So here's one from Conan. I'm bonin' for every man in this video.

Alligator Stilettos

Hey-oh!

This is a picture of a trolls bum. My friend Cait took this while we were acting like bad kids on a tennis court in Flagstaff Arizona.

So Halloween is this Saturday (yes, that's my transition), and I don't know what I'm doing or what I'm dressing as. This is a first. I just moved to Arcata California (about 3 months ago), and I'm slowly discovering that there is zilch culture here. My options for Halloween are as follows: Downtown Trick or Treating from 4-6pm (it's actually an organized event. Christ.), about a million pumpkin patches and harvests that close by 7pm, or sitting at home and re watching The Shining. In short, unless you're 12 years old or like spending time with 12 year old's, you're kind of screwed. But I've decided to dress up as Tina Turner (I own a blond fro, I might as well use it) and walk around Arcata in alligator stilettos until an opportunity arises.

Switch-a-Roo

I finally did it. I made the switch from Live Journal to Blogger. I'm still getting comfortable but I'm glad to be here. If you'd like to see the old blog posts, click right here partner.